Why is it that I depend so much on other people? Not like with every day things, but to be available when I need a listening ear, or to understand that I'm not in the best of moods, etc. Well even then I can't say that I don't have people like that in my life because I do. They accept me as I am, imperfections and all. But sometimes I feel so desperately lonely. This is when I should cry out to God right? Why is it different when you talk to a living breathing human being then someone who is with you during every breath you take? It just is. My heart is sad right now.
I think I'm discouraged. I feel like I have so far to go. I just want someone to like being around me when I don't even like being around myself. I think that's it. And sadly I'm reading this book by Joyce Meyer *my favorite spiritual author* called "How to Succeed at Being Yourself" I mean how obviously sad and pathetic is that? But it's something I need in my life. I'm so far from where I want to be spiritually, emotionally, and especially physically! I'm at the point where I don't want to see anyone that I haven't seen in a while because I've gained so much weight in the last 6 months. I have to defeat this! If I keep on this path then surely I will fail. I almost need some affirmation. But that again should come from God. I shouldn't need someone to tell me that they like me. I should know that Jesus loves me and that's all that should matter. That he loved me so much that he died on the cross for my sins, past and present! Thank you Lord.
Today someone at work said that I was always so smiley and cheerful and was considered the complete opposite of the human Eyore that we have at work. I still don't know how this is. Because deep down inside I am struggling to find out who I am again. I feel that I'm not as sincerely happy. (That's another thing. I've lost my ability to express myself in logical sentences. ;) It's so frustrating when I sit there stuttering and screwing up my words.) I wish for moments of genuine happiness. I realize that it's a dailey battle. And I've succeeded this week in a lot of things. So I guess now I know what this is all about, Ephesians 6:12 "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." So then I will not believe lies. But focus on the truths in life.
So I apologize for that venting session. I needed it.
Good night :)
posted by Charity at 12/09/2003 09:30:00 PM 
