I've had a pretty good monday. My weekend was too short but working over the weekend usually has that affect. I got off of work and went up the hill. I totally spaced one of my youth kid's parties and went straight home and vegged.
Sunday I rededicated my life to Jesus. I have always done the right things, went to church, committed myself to activities and ministries, I've not felt like I'm going in the wrong direction, but that I'm just not going in *
ANY* direction. So I made the decision to build my relationship with Christ. I want to *
know* Him and not just know *
of* Him. I want to be closer. I want to live my life for Him and not myself. It was a heart change. It felt good. It was humbling and humiliating if there's even a difference. God showed me the real me within 5 minutes time-frame and it was not a pretty site. I felt ashamed... unworthy. But in the end, my life is in a new direction. I have not changed drastically. But it's a mindset that has changed.
Well I've been scanning through some of my old pictures. There are a TON. Looking at my transformation to what I look like today. I wish I could change back to what I looked like a year ago with a snap of my fingers, but alas it is not that easy. Losing weight takes work. A LOT of work and patience. It took me a long time to gain the weight and well it will probably take twice as long to lose it. It's odd thinking back to when I was smaller and how I thought I was so fat and now I wish I could even just go back to that size and start from there. When I worked at Lane Bryant I felt the best. I was working out a lot and though I was just down to a size 14/16 I was really ok with what I looked like. I mean there were parts of my body that I didn't like but I was genuinely happy and felt content. Now I'm just miserable and wishing I could just literally cut off the fat. I wonder how I could have allowed it to get so bad. And now trying to get back on track ... geez... it feels overwhelming. And it's an obvious difference but to others I'm sure it's not that bad. But to me... well I see myself without clothes on. Eeek! hahaha :)
I've scanned through my archives and it's amazing to see all that's happened over the time I've started this blog. Some things feel like ages ago, others I'm surprised were that long ago... I'm feeling very nostalgic, reflective. I'm enjoying looking back to see where I've come. There is a lot that is good in my life. I am not at all frustrated with anything substantial. My weight has always been a problem but right now it's a bigger problem then it's ever been and that's all. It doesn't change my life too much. I wasn't happy about my life before Sunday. But it feels like a fresh start somehow. Like New Years Day but not. I am starting out new. I can change, it's not too late.
Well it may not be too late to change my life... But it's late and time for bed. ;)
Goodnight
CD/DVD Player: Depeche Mode "Violator"
Mood: Reflective
Link of the Day:
Olympic Cartoon - I found this rather funny, probably more because my dad is the one that sent it to me. :)
posted by Charity at 8/30/2004 10:12:00 PM 
