I really don't know where to start. There has been so much emotional crap going on in my life that I've avoided posting. It’s hard to avoid saying things when it’s all you can think about. Well I've decided that I should be able to be honest, on my blog of all places. As much as I've had my own words used against me I cannot hold back from expressing my thoughts.
My goodness… Even knowing I am going to be able to share everything, I fear doing so.
My sisters marriage - First and foremost my brother-in-law, Jeff, had an affair on my sister, Heidi. It started in May 2005 and ended in late August 2005. We knew something was wrong in July 2005 but was told repeatedly by him that he was not having an affair. Then Heidi found proof in mid August that he could not deny and he finally admitted to our worst fears. Heidi has been strong in all of this. Willing to take him back and work towards restoration of their marriage, admitting that she has been in the wrong in some points and wanting to go to counseling. At this point (as of September 22nd, 2005) Jeff has told Heidi he doesn’t have it in him to continue with the marriage, he just doesn’t have the heart. They are separating. Whether divorce is going to happen or not, we’re not sure. As much as I have gone through the gamut of emotions, I really do want restoration of their marriage. It was devastating to find out that even though my sister was willing to take him back (which I don’t know if I could ever do), even though biblically she has every right to divorce and remarry, the fact that he doesn’t care enough to work on the marriage is devastating to say the least. It seems like a movie, and this is not happening to my family. My sister has been amazing in all of this. She has shown so much honor and courage in this situation, which makes his lack of love for her even harder to understand. He is deceived. Even his family cannot understand some of his thought processes. But at this point, I have been emotionally involved. I had so much respect for him as a person and could not believe he would do this to my sister. So this is one of the main things that have been on my heart for the last month or so, among so many other things that I will continue to share, but this has been the most life-changing experience.
The Place - The next thing is the church. I have reserved writing about the church because I know that the people that are against the church may possibly read this blog. To them I say: I no longer care what you think about The Place. The Place is my home. It is the church my dad is pastor of. Yes it has its faults, but things have been done in accordance to what the scriptures say. People have left because they thought things were being done too harshly. They left with a vendetta against the church and its pastor, my dad. So naturally I will be a bit defensive on more then one level. I don’t understand how people feel that holding onto an offense and spreading their lies around are going to make them look righteous and upstanding? Either way, we have had to deal with one family in particular making it their business to make sure everyone knows how they feel about the church. This has been hard. Because it was this family in which I had the most hope, the most love and care put into. I was drawn to them. I wanted to love them and be loved by them. In this respect, I was let down and hurt by their actions. I realize now I have to let them go. They will do what they want to do. I cannot be angry and resentful towards them, for honestly I don’t think they know what they are even doing. Like my brother-in-law Jeff, they too are deceived. They are blinded by their offense. This is one aspect of what I’ve been dealing with in the church.
Jeff was an elder, this family were (what I thought) an important role in The Place, both letting themselves be deceived by the enemy and causing damage to the ones nearest them. In the end more people took on their offense and left the church as well. In the same time frame God had chosen, perhaps to use all of this, to sift through and get back down to the bare bones of The Place and work again at building it up. For a while we weren’t sure we had enough support to keep the church going. My family was in turmoil, with what was happening to my sister, and now with the families we cared so much about slandering the church and the leaders in it, we all felt like giving up. I know for me I wondered what the future held. I knew God was with us. And that He was for us and not against us. I had faith that whatever His will was would be, and if that meant no more church, then that’s what it meant. Though deep down I felt strongly the church was/should continue. There was fear that if the church ended the people who left would find some kind of victory had been won on their part. I prayed for vindication of my father and The Place. But I knew, whether the church ended or not, the people who left with their offenses would be gloating no matter what. They are probably gloating now at the fact that the church is struggling. But if I focus on that, then I am looking at the wrong thing. Well these were feelings I struggled with, knowing that this is not what should matter to me.
We had an all church meeting on September 18th, 2005. I was very gratefully and pleasantly surprised to see the support come through for The Place. It was a very encouraging night. The Place will continue. We have enough members willing to support the different roles in place of a church. I am now excited for the new beginning, knowing that the people there support and respect the leadership in place at the church. I look forward to see where God brings us. The Place has to move because of the cost of rent at our current location. We are still in prayer over where to have church. But after the meeting, it doesn’t seem as important somehow. I guess because knowing that a church is not a building but the people in it. We have a church, even if it’s out of our home (which truth be told, there are too many members to be able to fit into a home! PRAISE GOD!)! My family didn’t know until 18 hours before we had to be out of our old house where we were moving to. Hey, if God can do that for us, He’s able to do it for The Place.
I am encouraged by the church, the people in it, and where God is going to take the Place.
Unmentionable - Well I had more to share but as I thought about sharing it, I realized I wasn’t at liberty to do so. As much as it impacts my life, it is not directly my life having to make that decision and well, it hasn’t been totally decided yet. So there is another aspect of my life that was in turmoil for a while. It still is to some extent because things are still up in the air. But until he makes a decision I feel that I need to respect his privacy.
As to the smaller items … my knee, last checkup, finances, etc.
My knee – My knee has always dislocated every year or so. I finally decided to mention it at my last doctor’s appointment and they had me get x-rays of it. I got the results back Thursday. They said I have effusion (?sp) of the knee, water of the knee. My knee apparently has water in it. They say it’s caused by trauma to the knee. Well hmm… Ok that explains why it’s weak and still pops out every-so-often, but doesn’t explain why it happened in the first place. So they are requesting I do physical therapy.
Last Checkup – So I went to the doctors earlier this month with a list to check out. My sister has hypothyroidism and well I figured, since it was genetic, I should get mine checked out. So that came back fine, so no clinical excuses for my weight gain in the last couple years, ;) other then sheer laziness. My blood work came back with high Cholesterol. High enough they want me on medication. I haven’t heard back from them about my prescription so I will have to call Monday. I’ve done a lot of research and found that if I have a tablespoon of cinnamon a day it really helps lower Cholesterol (thanks Sam), that Flaxseed really helps with the bad Cholesterol levels (thanks Michelle) and exercise helps with good Cholesterol levels (thanks internet), that fish has a natural oil that helps reduce Cholesterol and I should have one serving a week of fish (thanks internet) and Rachel gave me some pointers in there as well. So going back to the gym has been good but I’ve allowed my schedule to dictate when I can go. I think at this point I will have to make it a priority, not just to lose weight but to be healthier.
Finances – Finances are the main thing going well in my life right now. So I’ve already explained that my credit score went up 100 points in less then a year. After that point I’ve paid off 3 credit cards in the last couple months. I have one large one left, from my ex. I have sadly been stuck with that one since 2001. When I first got all my debt out of control I could barely make payments. I closed the actual credit cards and left the retail store cards open. Not exactly the smartest thing but I didn’t know what else to do at the time. Since then I’ve learned so much about credit and how to manage it. I’m excited for the fresh start. The fresh start won’t happen until Jan/Feb 2006 but still. It’s close! This last payday I have been cutting it close because I paid off my credit card (I had two, one was my ex’s debt and one was mine), and I threw Sam a 30th birthday party so that was quite expensive but fun! I’ll be curious once my debt is paid off and I’m putting money in savings what my credit score will be then. I am hoping to buy a car in July 2006. I’ve been looking at the Scion tC’s. They are a nice looking car but I’m not sure until I actually go test drive one and see how it feels. It seems reasonably priced so we’ll have to go see it.
Work – Work is stressful but nothing like it used to be. I am enjoying it again. I get overwhelmed because I wish I was better at doing more with my time but I am making changes to help in that area. I am determined to make the department better by January when I go back in for another review. My supervisor has been helping me realize how to relate as a manager.
Well I have plans for my day so I am going to leave it at this for now. I am going to spend some time with my best friend Rachel at her place. :) Watch a movie or two. I have pictures from Sam's 30th Birthday Party at his parents place in Yucaipa, and at the rate I get pictures up it'll be a while, but I will try to get them posted soon!
posted by Charity at 9/25/2005 03:01:00 PM 
