Talk about an emotionally draining day! Why is it that change is something so scary? I was faced with a decision today that, to be truthfully honest, I wasn't prepared to make, so I didn't. I should have. I should have walked away. But the thought of walking away scared the hell out of me. Why? Am I so afraid that life will be that much more difficult with a pretty dramatic change?
I am not a happy person right now. I'm just living life. I would prefer not to have to make any definitive plans for my future. In the end, that is the thing making me not happy, isn't it? I'm not happy because I'm not moving forward. I’m not taking control of my life and living it to its fullest. I’m letting life control my movements. “If this happens then I will do that, if that happens then I will do this…” Why not just do what I want now? If everything falls into place then I’m better off. If not, then it obviously wasn’t supposed to work out that way and I’m better off. Who knows if I’ll ever be able to make the decision… I will trust that God will work through me even so. He will work it out in the end. And most likely I will get so unhappy and unsettled in my current situation that I will WANT to make that decision I’m so scared to make right now.
Ironically reading back you would think since my last post, this had to do with my job. It doesn’t. It’s on a more personal level. And I just needed to get it out there. I might be surprised in what can happen in the future. God could work everything out so smoothly that there is no heartache. I somehow don’t believe that, because heartache is what builds character and helps us realize how much we need God and can’t do it on our own.
Anyways, I just wanted to get this off my chest. Goodnight
Currently listening:
Ben Folds Live
By Ben Folds
Release date: By 08 October, 2002
posted by Charity at 1/17/2006 08:51:00 PM 
