Things are going well. I have taken two written tests, two typing tests and have two interviews next week! The two written tests were for Victor Elementary and I passed both of them. I took one typing test for Victor Elementary at Victor Valley Community College and ended up getting an impressive typing speed (72 WPM with 1 error on a 5 min. typing test) and a certificate that I will be able to use for other jobs I apply for. So I was really excited about that. The other typing test was for Kaiser, unlike the VVC test, was much harder, you only had one shot and at the time I didn't think you could backspace, so I ended up with a 57 WPM with 0 errors on a 5 min. typing test. I found out after the fact that you could backspace if you were still in the word so I think I could have gotten a faster speed. I have interviews for the two positions I tested for Victor Elementary. I really only would take one of the jobs but I figure what's the harm of interviewing. It's practice. So all-in-all I think last weeks job applications were a success.
This week however I haven't been as successful in applying for new jobs. Today I just found the last application to make my week's goal of 5 applications. Sasha told me about 4 on edjoin.org that she thought I should apply for. Even if they are a commute the money is good and they are good places to work for. One in particular has peaked my interest. It's an office job but they desire experience in web design. I hope my experience will give me a bit of an edge. So I will complete the applications for those today or tomorrow. I got confirmation from Wesley that he would be glad to write me a Letter of Recommendation so I would like to have that before I send in those applications. I have two Apple Valley School District positions I need to fax in today but neither pay anything worthwhile. But I got desperate to reach my goal, and again this is good practice.
Emotionally this week I've been more upbeat. Though I owe that to a day when I just broke down. I wasn't necessarily struggling with the lack of a job, but it was more of an inner turmoil that I hadn't quite figured out yet. But I was unusually clingy to someone I care about. Turns out I was dealing with a lack of being desired. This statement summed up my struggles; I wanted him to want me because that would mean at least someone did. This conclusion hit me like a ton of bricks. I had been revisiting the struggle of the loss of a great relationship and then the loss of a job and having tried looking prior to being laid off and not being even remotely sought after made an even deeper subconscious impact that I was undesirable. My love no longer wanted me, my job no longer wanted me, and the places I went looking for work didn't want me, so then what was wrong with me? I hadn't realized how much I defined myself by my job, or by being desired. And now that I had neither I had been fighting some major insecurities.
So as I struggled to let this new found revelation about myself all sink in, I decided to read through some old journal entries. This was a painful trek down memory lane as I was shown the haunting cycles of my past repeating themselves. It was a rather bleak view. I started crying as I felt that after 6 years I hadn't changed much for the better. Then slowly in the midst of the desperate feeling I started to get a glimmer of hope after I talked to two close friends about my introspective reflections. It's always hard being best friends after a breakup because what do you do with your best friends? Talk about the pain of the breakup. Either way, I explained my fear of being undesirable as well as the lack of positive changes to my ex boyfriend / best friend and he brought up some positive points about where I'm at in comparison to where I was 6 years ago and I didn't feel so hopeless. And then my friend Brandie called. I totally wasn't going to talk to her about what I was feeling but then as true friends do, they just know when you are trying to hide something and she subtly got me to open up about my struggles. She was such a blessing. She knew something was wrong and asked if she could pray for me. We didn't even get to the prayer before I was telling her everything. She did end up praying for me and its amazing how positive people can be so uplifting you when you are feeling low.
In everything I faced that day I can look back and see that it was time to let things go that I hadn't realized I was holding onto. Isn't that how God works? He works with you where you're at and doesn't show you more then you can handle. Because if I was faced with everything I had to change all at once, I would be in the "depths of despair" (said in the desperate tone that Anne used in Anne of Green Gables). So yeah, I may say I have to "let things go that I hadnt realized I was holding onto" innumerable amount of times in my future posts because that's just it, we can only take one step at a time. I think my problem was I felt I was taking the same step over and over again but in my evaluation of my progress, one thing is for certain, change sometimes happens subtly.
So enough reflection for one post lets move on. I have actually stuck to a schedule and started a few of the projects I couldn't get started last week. I even went out and bought supplies to make the job easier and more organized. It's amazing how quickly your time gets eaten up when you aren't working!
Tonight I'm going to a baby shower. Tomorrow I'm going to try and get the remaining applications sent in, pick up the last minute party supplies and then my friend Ludek is coming over and I will get to check out his Nikon D70 that I've been anxious to get my hands on. I keep wondering why I ever hesitated on buying my camera (well other then the fact that I wanted to get a feel for both the Nikon and the Canon before making the purchase). I mean financially I probably should wait till I get a stable job. But Photography is so much apart of my life (and as my friend Rachel constantly points out to me that) it would be a great investment and I wonder about just going out there and buying it. But I can't do anything about the camera right now. So I will just envy Ludek's Nikon when he comes over and Brandie's Canon if she ever brings it over. ;) (I think she's afraid she won't get it back!) hehe
Well this has been quite the novel, so I think I will say goodbye.
posted by Charity at 7/20/2006 05:57:00 PM 
