VERY Bad Night – “I’m freezing; I’m cold, my eyes and head hurt from crying so much! Screw the Law of Attraction! What the hell did I do to attract this?! I’m angry and frustrated and drained physically, mentally and definitely emotionally!! … God my head is pounding. I’m so used to just crying at any given point I’ve given up on keeping my glasses clean…. Why this? Why now? Is this just to test my reactions? Is this because the enemy tried to get to me with all the usual areas I struggle with but I’ve learned to address them correctly, so he hit a spot I wasn’t expecting?... I sat there bawling because I never felt more alone, scared, abandoned and lost.”
The above are a few of the lines I wrote in my journal last night in the midst of a VERY BAD night. What may have caused these extreme emotions you may wonder? Part of me doesn’t feel ready to share just yet. What an f’d up night!
Reading my emotions you would think the world came to an end. It felt like it at the time. The emotions I felt were real. I was on the edge but taking each of the difficult circumstances in stride. Then it was that *one* event, the one that pushed me beyond reason, the one where I lost it completely. Bent down near the front of my car on the side of the freeway, sobbing, wondering why the hell this was all happening to me, and what I had done to deserve it!
I didn’t think I’d be able to look back and laugh at all the crap I went through last night, but to some extent I am able to. So I guess I will share.
I had an appointment in Irvine last night. Well I guess I should start back to yesterday morning. Probably a few miles after I left my house I noticed that my cars temperature was a little higher then normal. So I decided to pull over to the gas station and check the levels before making my way down the hill to work. I checked my water, levels, I needed some water but my reserve was still full and so I just filled up my water and checked my oil. I will admit the oil levels were almost embarrassingly low so I put some oil in and called my dad to see if there was anything I should be worried about. He wanted me to drive over to his place and if it overheated again I’d just barrow his car. Well my car was perfectly fine temperature-wise so we agreed that it was probably the oil and that I should keep an eye on it on my way to work. I drove to work and it was perfectly normal, no issues whatsoever. I felt relieved like I had just saved myself from a catastrophe.
So I get off work last night and head over to Irvine. I noted that the temp rose just above normal levels twice but would immediately go back down again. Went to my appointment and started my way back home. This is when the temperature seemed to act erratically. It would heat up and go back down, whether I used the heater or not it didn’t seem to help. So I called my dad who said as long as the temp wasn’t in the red I should be fine but to be careful. Then the heater seemed to not work anymore either. Almost immediately the temp rose close to the red. I pulled over, turned off the car and decided to call the nearest AutoZone to see if I could purchase a new thermostat which is what our guess was to be the problem. So I find out that the nearest AutoZone was maybe 4 miles away, problem was they wouldn’t be able to do any of the work for me and I would have to be walked through by my dad on how to remove the thermostat. I was on the 91 freeway during semi-rush hour and was tired, it was cold and windy and I wanted to just make it home.
I had resigned myself to the fact that I would probably only get a mile of road in before I had to pull over and wait 20 minutes for the temp to go down and do it again until I got to AutoZone. This is where I take the circumstances in stride. I kept my dad on the line to just make sure everything was fine and that I wouldn’t be doing any damage to my car. I made one trip of a mile, my car started to overheat and I pulled over, hazards on, car off. I decided to get out and open the hood just in case a Good Samaritan would happen to pull over and possibly have some water that I could put in my car. At this point we knew that the water was probably all used up. So I sat waiting for the temp to go down and because the freeway was so busy I didn’t feel it wise to go out the driver’s side. I crawled over to the passenger side door and had my dad on the cell with me. We were debating whether or not I should just get the car towed. I knew I didn’t have that kind of money and actually had hoped he would just offer to come down to help me. I knew he’d be able to remove the thermostat and I’d be able to drive home at least. I was getting a bit frustrated but understood it was a lot to ask so I didn’t. I had been in and out of the passenger door. I checked my trunk for any water. No luck. Opened the hood and sat back in my car to stay warm.
Once I felt the car was cool enough I got out of the passenger side and this is the moment where I lost all ability to reason. I was busy talking to my dad on the phone and just locked the passenger door as I made my way to close the hood. It hit me the moment the door clicked. Why I had locked it this time and not any of the other times I do not know! I looked over to the driver’s side door and it was locked! I had locked my keys in my car! I was on the side of the road, it was freezing, and I had no way of getting back into the car! I lost it at that point. I started crying, bawling even … I was alone on the side of the busy, LOUD freeway, my parents were up the hill an hour and a half away and I had no one closer to call! I felt so alone, scared and lost….
It took a bit for me to regain composure to figure out what to do next. My dad had been spouting off all the obvious, expensive routes I would have to take. I felt so stupid! I was already having a rough time with the concept that I would only get to drive a mile then pull over but was actually proud of how well I handled it, but then I had to lock my keys in my car on top of everything else. This was 100 times worse!
My brother called because he had heard about everything and I’m guessing it’s because he’s my older brother and as soon as he asked how I was holding up I lost all composure again and just started crying explaining all the crap that had happened to me and how stupid I felt for locking the keys in the car. He was so sweet and tender. I knew he was wishing he knew what he could do to help.
The next half an hour to an hour was a blur. I was on the phone a lot and it was hard to hear with all the cars on the freeway and the wind on top of that. But they located my spare key where I told them it would be. It was decided that Mike was going to drive down with the spare key and at least pick me up and take me to the AutoZone where I could pick up the thermostat. Plans changed yet again and my dad called a local locksmith to come by and get me into my car for $55.00. Mike was still going to drive down though his concern was that he didn’t know how to remove the thermostat but he would at least be there with me but then my dad decided that he and my mom were going to come down.
I had a few moments to think, sitting under the hood of my car trying to block the wind and keep warm. I couldn’t understand how I could have ever attracted this event into my life. In fact I had been extremely thankful over the last couple of days so I’m still at a loss. I wondered what I was supposed to have learned from all this. It seemed like such a random occurrence. I could have accepted just the thermostat but why did the keys have to get locked into the car? Well because I left them there… yeah yeah but it just felt odd, the whole thing. I looked at the passing cars and felt like no one cared. Yes I had my parents on their way, the locksmith would be there soon and yet I felt so alone, so abandoned on the side of the freeway, like I had no one. I cried out to God. I don’t think I ever blamed Him, but I did ask why… I still have yet to get that answer. Even now, a day later, I’m still not sure what it was about. But I have yet to finish the story.
The locksmith came and got my car unlocked. I had to sign some papers and as I climbed into his truck I saw that it started raining and was thankful and realized this situation could have been a lot worse! I could have not worn as warm as clothes as I had chosen to wear. I could have not taken my cell phone with me when I went to shut the hood of my car! I could have had to pull over on the toll roads that have horrible cell reception! Yes, as miserable as this situation was, it could have been worse… WAY WORSE!
I got into my car, knowing at this point it was definitely cooled down. I drove as far as my little car could take me. I decided the first priority was to get to a gas station and get some water in it! But less then 20 feet away from the closest gas station my car overheated and I had to stop yet again… I was so close I decided to walk over to the gas station and buy water. The guy at the gas station overheard my conversation with my brother on the phone and said that if I could get my car to the gas station he would let me fill up with as much water as I needed. So I went back to the car, waiting again for it to cool down, drove into the Mobile off of Maple/6th St in Corona and put water in. By this time, AutoZone had closed and I had no hope of picking up a thermostat that night. I sat in my car after filling it up with water and I was also on empty so I filled up with gas since I knew I had a good hour to wait for my parents. Still questioning why this had all happened.
My parents got to the mobile station sometime after 10pm. The quotes from my journal came from the time I sat waiting at the Mobile station. My dad’s tools weren’t working. He didn’t have the right size socket. Again, little things did make this situation better then it could have been. The Mobil I happened to stop at was also a smog check place and had tools that they were willing to let my dad use! It took a while to get the thermostat off but once it was my dad chose to drive it home while I rode with my mom. It was midnight before this evening came to an end. I was exhausted and my head and eyes were completely sore. I was extremely thankful for my parents coming to my rescue.
I had another blog entry planned but I think this is long enough. I will share the other one another day. Today I took a personal day off from work. I had a dentist appointment in the morning and well my dad was willing to replace the thermostat for me so I decided that was something that I needed to do. I’ve run some errands but it’s been a fairly uneventful day. Oh and so you all know the car seems to be running smoothly with the new thermostat.
I’m gonna go watch a movie now…
Labels: Dentist, Rambling
posted by Charity at 2/28/2007 04:09:00 PM 
