I’m once again baking cookies. I just finished mixing the dough and am waiting for it to chill and the oven to preheat. And I’ve got something on my brain I need to write about.
Why? Why am I so scared that I won't know what to say to Jesse's daughter? Jordan called me last Saturday, the day before the anniversary of her father's death. I was dumbstruck as I listened to her message. I want so desperately to say the reason I didn't call her back right away was because I was just so busy. But I hate to admit that I was really just scared to talk to her because I had no idea what to say. I chose not to call her back till after Sunday. Turns out… I forgot to call back all together! Just a few short moments ago I saw that I had another missed call from her at 6:40 this evening. First I was again surprised by the call and now to add to it, I felt totally bad for not remembering to call her back from last weekend. Nervous, but knowing I needed to do it, I called her on the spot. She was in the middle of watching a show so I offered to call her tomorrow after I get out of church.
As I mixed the ingredients to the cookie dough I asked God what I was supposed to do with this situation. Why after all this time have I been put on her mind enough to call me twice? What is it she wants to talk about? What do I say? Why am I so scared? I guess because I have no idea what to say to her. Her dad and I dated a little over 3 years and that was a long time ago. She contacted me on myspace a couple of times throughout the year. At one point when staying with Jesse’s parents she had asked if we could get together but it never worked because her schedule was too busy.
It just seems so odd. I ran into Rob a month ago, Jordan called, and to add to the irony Jesse was really on my mind today. He always pops in and out of my mind but today was different. I was at the San Bernardino County Fair volunteering at the photography booth. I was finished with my shift and was trying to find my nephews lego entry in a specific building. I was struck by how the last time I walked through this particular part of the fairgrounds I was with Jesse, holding hands. I saw the stage where he performed with Solid Mind, and I saw the food place where he wanted to grab a bite to eat at. I miss him.
Labels: Rambling
posted by Charity at 5/19/2007 10:16:00 PM 
