What an unexpected day all around! Full of emotional ups and downs. I had a fairly mellow day at work. I had some projects for accounting to do so I was able to focus on those since it was so quiet. My friend James met me for lunch! It was great to see him. It's so odd to have only seen him in person twice but to feel I know him so well! I guess 8 years will do that. I was bummed when my time was up and I had to get back to work. I really appreciated that he came out of his way to meet up with me even if it was only for my hour lunch break. Thanks James!
So I've been struggling with some insecurities in the last few days. Not sure that I want to share them at this time, but I'm too awake to get to sleep even if it is 1am. Mostly it’s about feeling rejection from a number of people in my life, and yes mostly men. I have been fighting some negative thoughts about how I feel the people in my life view me. I'm tired that I don't have someone for me. Yes, I stood in my sisters bathroom tonight thinking to myself, damnit how selfish can I be?! I felt like I was in a full on pity party (ok so I was). Yet, it's true. I have people in my life that enjoy my company, yet aren't really there for me. I am the one pursuing the friendship or I feel interrupted when I try to share or that what's going on in my life is trivial in comparison to what's going on in theirs. It’s something I've suppressed for a while with these certain individuals. I guess today was the straw that broke the camels back.
I want to be valued, appreciated, even to know that I'm someone of interest to others. I know it's their loss. Sadly most of them I can explain away. I make up excuses for their behavior... repeated behavior! But I know I'm worth something. I'm worth making an effort to get to know. I'm interesting and lovable and have a lot to offer. I'm not talking about a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. I'm talking just in friendship! Again, it's their loss. I want to say well that's it, I'm done trying, but being the silly people pleaser that I am, I don't see that happening but I do plan on making some changes.
I'm ahead of myself. So after work I head up the 15 through holiday Vegas traffic. I'm a little frazzled as I have been all week driving with a bunch of people that decided never to drive on the roads until Christmas comes around and have forgotten how to drive! Yes, I admit I have a road rage problem! But anyone that commutes knows my pain! Christmas sucks because it brings people out that aren't very used to freeway driving. I thought driving with a bunch of commuters was bad, nope! Non-commuters are the worst! They screw up the flow of traffic! Oh yes, I could go on a mile long tangent about the stupid drivers of the world but that isn't what I feel I need to get off my chest with this post.
I get to my parents place for the Christmas party and walk into hell! That straw... well it opened its mouth the moment I walked through their front door. Sadly I lost it. I was pissed and really just wanted to leave. I went up to my sister’s bathroom and just started crying... all the fear and rejection came flooding to the surface. Not from that one person but the others before. All the horrible insecurities I'd been trying to fight the last few days, maybe even weeks, boiled to the surface and I sat there wishing, hoping, for anyone to show any sign that they cared about me... Cared what was wrong, why I hadn't walked in my normal jovial self. No one came. I didn't give them much time. I was fighting to suppress the tears as quickly as they came. I went downstairs and even tried to let it go. It didn't work! I wanted to scream and tell someone to come rescue me from these emotions. Come tell me that I'm loved and accepted just as I am. Tell me how these stupid little people aren't worth my concern.
People tried. Rashaell made a valiant effort to let me know I was loved. But God knew what I needed. My best friend Rachel came to my rescue. She came over, gave me a hug, let me vent about the silly little things on my heart that I just wanted someone to listen to all the way through without interrupting with their own issues, someone to care enough to be there for me and not themselves. She was the one. Silent, in agreement in all the places I wanted to be backed up on my thoughts and frustrations. My sister prayed with me and suddenly my heart finally felt peace. From the moment I walked into my parents house that night I felt an inner rage, my heart was tense and angry and I did everything in my own power to make it go away but nothing helped but prayer.
I came back in and those that looked concerned I gave hugs to and let them know I was doing much better. People did care. I was just so angry no one knew how to approach me. Sadly no one knew how to approach me to help. I love my church family. They are like my immediate family. I felt loved in return. Dale was the tenderest of them all, he was so concerned and expressed how he doesn’t like to see me so upset. I almost started crying all over again.
Why is it that we can feel so alone sometimes in a room full of people that love you? I love writing. This is not where this post was going when I sat down to write it out, but it’s where it went. Writing is very therapeutic for me. I understand this may be a bit more “real” then people are used to from me but I’ve been on a kick of being uncharacteristically honest with some people.
I found out once that an ex of Sam’s found my blog and called me emotionally unstable after reading it. (This is of course when Sam and I were dating) I was always wondering how she could think so since I write from the heart and most people would agree they have felt something similar to what I’ve shared above. I usually don’t write when I’m sad anymore. I never like to focus on those feelings. But tonight I needed to work through some thoughts. It’s now almost 2am, I really should be in bed.
Oh but the night hasn’t even begun to be explained! After “miracle worker” Rachel helped me I found myself rejuvenated to help others. To care again about how or what they are going through. It’s not that I want it always to be about me, it’s just that sometimes the people I’m there for aren’t meant to be there for me. Eh, I’m still working through all the thoughts. Not too sure where this is all going to go. But the night went on as if nothing happened. All the strain, the pressure of pushing the emotions down, was lifted. I was my usual jovial self.
I stayed the latest and spent some time talking with my friend Brandie but when my mom was heading to bed I realized it was time to head out. Some friends from my wannabe goth days were having a Christmas party and really wanted me to stop by. I had already said yes prior to this insanely emotionally draining evening, so I decided to make an appearance. It does feel at times you walk through a portal of time, but time that allows the people in it to age. Hehe I walked in and felt at home! I haven’t seen some of these guys in years! Joe and Ericka made me feel so welcome. I was even thrown into a gift exchange without having brought any gifts! They bring extras apparently! I took a few pics, caught up on everyone’s happenings and then made my way home at a bit after midnight, which was much longer then I expected. I left actually thankful I made the stop.
And now since I took some time to look through the pics it’s nearing 3am! I must go to sleep even if tomorrow is Saturday! I have a lot to do tomorrow!
Goodnight!
Labels: Inspiration, Parties, Pictures, Rambling
posted by Charity at 12/22/2007 12:56:00 AM 
