I have just lost a love...
Its odd how God prepares you for these events in your life. I have steadily seen this coming. My heart has been being prepared for letting go. I'm sad. I'm emotional. I'm relieved. It's so weird that my head is so heavy from the crying but my heart is abnormally light.
I'm grateful for him. I'm also grateful for Him. I think the slow death is what hurts the most; the loss of hope; the uncertainty of my future. I can’t help but ask myself the same questions everyone does after breaking up… Will I find love again? Do I have anything to offer someone? Is there is something wrong with me? I wish I could be the confident type... saying things like, it's his loss. In the end it's no ones loss. It wasn't meant to be. Or it’s both of our loss. He will lose out, I will lose out. My mom didn't help when she said that was a good man to me. I do feel like I lost. I don't regret anything with "us".
My eyes hurt. My head feels like someone is squishing it together with their hands on my temples.
It's so heartbreaking that I knew tonight... I knew if he didn't, I would have. Maybe that's where the relief comes from. I feel pathetic for not making the decision myself, but I had told him I would give him time and he was grateful that I allowed him to work through his emotions to come to this conclusion. In our last discussion/argument I had asked him some poignant questions. These questions were where he came to his decision.
Strangely enough he does hope the friendship stays intact. What’s even more amazing is I imagine that it could actually happen! I think because we have so much respect for each other that it could very well be possible. My concern is that I won’t be able to separate my love from romance to just friendship. Right now it’s too soon to tell. I don’t have to figure that part out yet.
I’m somber. I just want to close my eyes and sleep.
Currently listening:
I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning
By Bright Eyes
Release date: By 25 January, 2005
posted by Charity at 1/24/2006 09:46:00 PM 
