These are my thoughts; though they may be public domain, please have enough respect and understand that they are mine and are not for the use of your own deviant agenda.
What an unexpected day all around! Full of emotional ups and downs. I had a fairly mellow day at work. I had some projects for accounting to do so I was able to focus on those since it was so quiet. My friend James met me for lunch! It was great to see him. It's so odd to have only seen him in person twice but to feel I know him so well! I guess 8 years will do that. I was bummed when my time was up and I had to get back to work. I really appreciated that he came out of his way to meet up with me even if it was only for my hour lunch break. Thanks James!
So I've been struggling with some insecurities in the last few days. Not sure that I want to share them at this time, but I'm too awake to get to sleep even if it is 1am. Mostly it’s about feeling rejection from a number of people in my life, and yes mostly men. I have been fighting some negative thoughts about how I feel the people in my life view me. I'm tired that I don't have someone for me. Yes, I stood in my sisters bathroom tonight thinking to myself, damnit how selfish can I be?! I felt like I was in a full on pity party (ok so I was). Yet, it's true. I have people in my life that enjoy my company, yet aren't really there for me. I am the one pursuing the friendship or I feel interrupted when I try to share or that what's going on in my life is trivial in comparison to what's going on in theirs. It’s something I've suppressed for a while with these certain individuals. I guess today was the straw that broke the camels back.
I want to be valued, appreciated, even to know that I'm someone of interest to others. I know it's their loss. Sadly most of them I can explain away. I make up excuses for their behavior... repeated behavior! But I know I'm worth something. I'm worth making an effort to get to know. I'm interesting and lovable and have a lot to offer. I'm not talking about a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. I'm talking just in friendship! Again, it's their loss. I want to say well that's it, I'm done trying, but being the silly people pleaser that I am, I don't see that happening but I do plan on making some changes.
I'm ahead of myself. So after work I head up the 15 through holiday Vegas traffic. I'm a little frazzled as I have been all week driving with a bunch of people that decided never to drive on the roads until Christmas comes around and have forgotten how to drive! Yes, I admit I have a road rage problem! But anyone that commutes knows my pain! Christmas sucks because it brings people out that aren't very used to freeway driving. I thought driving with a bunch of commuters was bad, nope! Non-commuters are the worst! They screw up the flow of traffic! Oh yes, I could go on a mile long tangent about the stupid drivers of the world but that isn't what I feel I need to get off my chest with this post.
I get to my parents place for the Christmas party and walk into hell! That straw... well it opened its mouth the moment I walked through their front door. Sadly I lost it. I was pissed and really just wanted to leave. I went up to my sister’s bathroom and just started crying... all the fear and rejection came flooding to the surface. Not from that one person but the others before. All the horrible insecurities I'd been trying to fight the last few days, maybe even weeks, boiled to the surface and I sat there wishing, hoping, for anyone to show any sign that they cared about me... Cared what was wrong, why I hadn't walked in my normal jovial self. No one came. I didn't give them much time. I was fighting to suppress the tears as quickly as they came. I went downstairs and even tried to let it go. It didn't work! I wanted to scream and tell someone to come rescue me from these emotions. Come tell me that I'm loved and accepted just as I am. Tell me how these stupid little people aren't worth my concern.
People tried. Rashaell made a valiant effort to let me know I was loved. But God knew what I needed. My best friend Rachel came to my rescue. She came over, gave me a hug, let me vent about the silly little things on my heart that I just wanted someone to listen to all the way through without interrupting with their own issues, someone to care enough to be there for me and not themselves. She was the one. Silent, in agreement in all the places I wanted to be backed up on my thoughts and frustrations. My sister prayed with me and suddenly my heart finally felt peace. From the moment I walked into my parents house that night I felt an inner rage, my heart was tense and angry and I did everything in my own power to make it go away but nothing helped but prayer.
I came back in and those that looked concerned I gave hugs to and let them know I was doing much better. People did care. I was just so angry no one knew how to approach me. Sadly no one knew how to approach me to help. I love my church family. They are like my immediate family. I felt loved in return. Dale was the tenderest of them all, he was so concerned and expressed how he doesn’t like to see me so upset. I almost started crying all over again.
Why is it that we can feel so alone sometimes in a room full of people that love you? I love writing. This is not where this post was going when I sat down to write it out, but it’s where it went. Writing is very therapeutic for me. I understand this may be a bit more “real” then people are used to from me but I’ve been on a kick of being uncharacteristically honest with some people.
I found out once that an ex of Sam’s found my blog and called me emotionally unstable after reading it. (This is of course when Sam and I were dating) I was always wondering how she could think so since I write from the heart and most people would agree they have felt something similar to what I’ve shared above. I usually don’t write when I’m sad anymore. I never like to focus on those feelings. But tonight I needed to work through some thoughts. It’s now almost 2am, I really should be in bed.
Oh but the night hasn’t even begun to be explained! After “miracle worker” Rachel helped me I found myself rejuvenated to help others. To care again about how or what they are going through. It’s not that I want it always to be about me, it’s just that sometimes the people I’m there for aren’t meant to be there for me. Eh, I’m still working through all the thoughts. Not too sure where this is all going to go. But the night went on as if nothing happened. All the strain, the pressure of pushing the emotions down, was lifted. I was my usual jovial self.
I stayed the latest and spent some time talking with my friend Brandie but when my mom was heading to bed I realized it was time to head out. Some friends from my wannabe goth days were having a Christmas party and really wanted me to stop by. I had already said yes prior to this insanely emotionally draining evening, so I decided to make an appearance. It does feel at times you walk through a portal of time, but time that allows the people in it to age. Hehe I walked in and felt at home! I haven’t seen some of these guys in years! Joe and Ericka made me feel so welcome. I was even thrown into a gift exchange without having brought any gifts! They bring extras apparently! I took a few pics, caught up on everyone’s happenings and then made my way home at a bit after midnight, which was much longer then I expected. I left actually thankful I made the stop.
And now since I took some time to look through the pics it’s nearing 3am! I must go to sleep even if tomorrow is Saturday! I have a lot to do tomorrow!
It's been (and will be) a full week. The holidays always make for a chaotic schedule. But it's full of fun! Right now I'm struggling to focus because the pain from my cramps is a bit overwhelming. bleh... (One reason I dislike being a woman)
So Monday I had to make a quick detour to Redlands for a Christmas present for Heidi which sadly my mom let the cat out of the bag when I called for advice. So Heidi now knows what she's getting from me for Christmas, oh well. As I was driving there my friend Tracy called. He was heading up to Victorville to pick up a check from a client so we decided to meet up at Starbucks. He and I usually meet down in Ontario so it felt odd meeting him locally. I rarely get to hang out with any of my Rancho friends up in Victorville. Who would want to? ;) hehe
Last night I met up with Jerry at his place. He's been really busy with his project (I'm going to check with him to confirm I can share it) and I have been helping out as much as I can. I was pleasantly surprised I was able to spend any time hangin’ out with him before the holidays! It wasn't a late night. I was heading home by 8:30. At dinner I asked him about the direction I should take my photography. He has a lot of great ideas, almost to a fault; (being the nice friend that I am hehe) I decided to pick his brain, even if he is fully submersed in his current project which seems to be taking off like wildfire! In the last week so much has moved forward, it's exciting to watch it come together for him. He's got a great head for business and money. I know I can learn a lot from him.
As I was driving home he called me with an idea for a direction I can take my photography! What can I say? He's that good. ;) hehe I took some time last night and thought it through. I have to find out if I'm serious enough to do what it takes to get it done. I'm young enough. I don't want to waste any more time. I just don't know if I want to give up my life outside of a full time job to devote to an additional business. I know Jerry has that kind of passion and drive; I'm just not sure if I do. This was my one concern about taking the first step forward. I've talked to a couple people about it and I may just do it.
I guess there is a fear that's causing me to hesitate. I'm unsure if my photography has that special edge. I love taking pictures! But are my pictures that special or unique? And some people suggest wedding photography, or pet photography and stuff along those lines, but just like every profession there are different fields/genres and they are definitely not what I like or even what I'm good at! Either way I'm still contemplating it. I'd appreciate anyone's input. Jerry says that if I haven't taken steps toward this concept by the time he returns after the holidays he'll be extremely disappointed. hehe I guess it's the perfect time for this reflection being that it's the time of year for New Years Resolutions, a fresh start, a whole new year to dream up a new direction for my life.
Candlelight Service - So I just got back from the candlelight service at The Place. It was nice. I love my family tradition of the Christmas story with the candle in the darkness. I will definitely pass that one onto my kids. Sadly we didn’t have a children’s performance because the lack of kids that were going to be able to make it tonight. But it was a nice service none-the-less.
Alliance Dinner - Tomorrow night some of us from Alliance are going out to dinner. Joshua isn’t going and no matter how much of a guilt trip I try to give him he doesn’t seem fazed. hehe But Mike is going so I’ll finally get to meet his wife! I’m looking forward to that. Here's a group shot of our Christmas Potluck at the Office.
Meeting with James - So my good friend James is coming down from northern Cali this week and we're meeting up for lunch Friday. Some of you may remember him, he’s the one I've known for years online and we met in person for the first time earlier this year!
He's a cutie and such a rockstar! Check him out! He's the bald one on the right playing the guitar.
The Place's Christmas Party - Friday night I’ve got to rush up the hill for the Christmas party at my parents place for the church. It should be fun. I haven’t decided if I’m dressing up or going casual. It’s an ornament exchange so I bought the cute little snow globe ornament from Starbucks that way if I end up with it I’ll be happy!
Victorville Motors Christmas Party - I went to Andie's company Christmas Party last Saturday and had an absolute blast! I haven't let loose like that in a LONG time! They had a great atmosphere, awesome DJ and Andie's coworkers are a lot of fun!
Beginning of the evening
Being silly
Getting Crazy
No Comment
They had a young lion and tiger there as well as the monkey from Pirates of the Caribbean, Night at the Museum and Ross’s pet on Friends. I got my picture taken with him and he was such a sweet little thing! I was standing there and he was doing what monkeys do, climb all over. They made me take off my glasses because he’d most likely grab them. When the handler called him back he looked at me, then the handler and then gave me a hug! I swear the entire line “awh’d”! It was precious. Then he looked at me and started talking and singing. The picture I kept was the one where he’s talking to me. It was one of the most memorable moments of the evening.
And I’m changing my rule; I’m going to post a picture or two on my blogs at least. Then I’ll upload them all to my album, hopefully in a reasonable amount of time. I know I never even shared pics of Montana! If you’re on myspace you’re lucky cause then you’ve at least seen those pictures.
Random/Misc. Stuff - My friend Kristen filled one of these out so I’m sharing my results.
Wow! What a productive weekend! I’ve accomplished so much! I’m exhausted but it feels good to have so much done. I have a lot more to do and I think I’m going to tell all my friends I’m unavailable in the evenings until I accomplish everything. And at this point I have nothing scheduled this week other then crashing Drew and Heather’s place Tuesday night. I guess crashing isn’t the right word since they know about it huh?
I’m currently looking at a purty new flat screen monitor that my brother is “storing” for a client. Basically it’s permanently placed in my brothers keeping and he decided to be nice and let me use it! Yay!
So Russ called and pulled me away from this post. We've been playing phone tag since his birthday so two (plus) hours later I’m heading off to bed. I’ll finish this post tomorrow...
Well it's Monday. The dreaded Monday. I had a hard time being at work today. I knew with everything I did over the weekend it would be hard to start a new week without having really gotten a chance to relax. I was also up later then I should have been talking to Russ but I was enjoying the conversation.
So I just looked back and I didn't explain anything about the Christmas potluck last Monday. If only all Mondays were that fun! I took a few pictures but the main one is a group shot. Again I’m going to have to post pictures later.
Last week was ok, though I found myself pretty bored of the mundane by Thursday morning and the rest of my day I was not a happy camper.
Friday night I went over to Rachel's and a bunch of us girls made Christmas cards! I haven't done handmade cards in a LONG time! It was A LOT of fun! I was actually surprised. But realistically I'm surprised I haven't thought to do it sooner, my joy in graphics is all about the layout. Making cards worked great with that!
Saturday I went Christmas shopping with Rachel in the morning, went to the grocery store after that and then Andie came over that night. My cousin Joey called to ask me if I wanted to make Christmas candy with her and I told her I'd be right over (wink, wink since she lives in Co. and all, it makes it a bit impossible to just drop right by, as much as I wish I could!). She suggested I go to the store and pick up the ingredients for the best fudge ever and gave me the directions for how to make it if I wanted to make it with her. I decided to hold off and pick up the stuff to make it after church. It was sweet that she called and I was really happy to get a new recipe to try out.
Sunday after church I went to pick up the stuff to make the fudge and when I got home I sat and relaxed for a bit but then decided it was the night to make a dinner for Brian, Mike and I as well as try this new fudge. I started with the fudge so it could set. Then I cooked dinner, one of my first! I made the pampered chefs taco ring. Mike and Brian both really liked it. :) Since Mike is a self proclaimed trash compactor his opinion was valued but not as highly as my ultra picky brother's opinion. Both said it was really good. I even baked a cake! It was a full day of cooking. Mike was nice enough to be on cleanup duty. And even later I took out the Christmas stuff and decorated the living room while cleaning along the way!
Yup... good weekend!
*Another break from my post…* I'm just getting home from going to dinner with Barbara. She's left me thinking about a lot of things and has challenged me to do something I wasn't thinking needed to be done. Thanks a lot! We'll see where it goes and how it turns out. Wish me luck!
This brings me back! Thanks Rach! With the way I'm feeling today it's nice to get away from current life and go back to what *seems* like an easier time.
I’ve had a fairly productive weekend. Saturday I was able to clean the kitchen (which really needed it), do the photo shoot of Misty’s family and the shoot for Poet Sky. I hadn’t done laundry since before my trip to Montana so I caught up on that. Today after church and a much needed nap, I cleaned my bathroom and organized the pictures from the photo shoots so that I can give them the best shots. I still need to clean my room and decorate for Christmas but I figure that can be done little by little during the week. I am still not 100% which is part of the reason I desperately needed a nap, I felt I was overdoing it a bit.
Alliance Christmas Potluck - Tomorrow we’re having the Alliance Christmas Potluck. We opted out of a Christmas party this year since we were told it meant more money on our bonus checks if we didn’t. I will make sure to take pictures. The office was decorated last week and it looks really nice. If I don’t get any decorations up at my place I won’t feel bad cause I have plenty of twinkle lights at the office to make up for the lack at home. And pretty much I spend more time at the office then I do at my own place!
Montana - Man I want to share about my trip to Montana but I’m just not sure I have the energy to go into an obnoxiously long post. I’ll do my best to sum up. I wrote about getting to my Cousin Joey’s place in Colorado at about 2am Tuesday night (or I should say Wednesday morning).
11.21.07 - The next morning we woke up at 7 to get back on the road. We got on the road at about 9am and got up to my grandparents place around 6:30pm. There was one section of road that was pretty icy. I was with my cousin Joey and her girls and my sister was driving the truck with my brother and her kids. She lost control and spun out. It was pretty freaky and amazing that no damage was done! They turned completely three times and ended up on the outer bank of the frontage road facing the correct direction and were able to just start driving again. The amazing thing is within a couple of miles my cousin and I saw (no exaggeration!) 15-20 cars unable to recover from their loss of control on the ice! God was definitely watching over Heidi.
It was quite the site to walk into my grandparents place and see all the great grandkids running around playing. It was the epitome of chaos but it was awesome! (The once-in-a-lifetime kind of chaos) I was so thankful to see Shawn and his family there. After our hellos and hanging out for a bit we were assigned the locations we were going to be staying. Brian and I were going to be staying with my cousin Clint, Joey and her kids were joining us. Heidi and the kids were staying with my cousin Kerri. Shawn and his family already claimed my Aunt Darlene’s place. And my parents were going to be staying with my grandparents.
11.22.07 – Thanksgiving Day – My cousin Joey had arranged for she and I to volunteer at a soup kitchen but they had enough volunteers for serving food but needed people to deliver meals, so she and I went as planned but Kerri and Heidi joined us to keep us company and because Kerri knew the location better then Joey. It was quite an interesting experience and if I felt like it I would go into our experiences at a couple of the drops. We made 9 stops and were back to Clint’s place in perfect timing for dinner.
Clint’s place was the only place big enough to fit all the family and I know he wanted to show the place off! Rightfully so, he has a great place! I was thoroughly impressed he was able to decorate himself! It’s not the typical bachelor pad at all! We had great food. Even had snowball fights. Brenda pointed out that Shawn seems to enjoy picking on me. He got me pretty good.
When everyone started to head out, the girls were planning how to tackle the shopping the next morning. I’ve never been one to do the day-after Thanksgiving shopping but it’s a tradition for them so I tag along for the ride. Either way we were going through the paper and all the different specials and planned our route. I didn’t get to bed till midnight but Joey and I were told to be up and ready by 4:45 am!
11.23.07 – Day after thanksgiving shopping – It was Kerri, Heidi, Brenda, Joey and myself all packed into my grandpa’s Jimmy as we took off for our first stop. Even being there when it opened wasn’t enough. The main item on our list was already sold out. But without boring you all with details our shopping didn’t take as long as we expected! The lines were reasonable and the stores organized. The longest wait was at Target. We were done with our shopping by about 10 or 11am! We decided to stop and get brunch.
Sam’s Call - After brunch I was shocked to see Sam on my caller id. He called to tell me he had proposed to Sara. I was immediately thankful he called me! In one of our chats I had asked him to tell me so I wouldn’t find out by someone else. He told me the details of how he proposed. I was genuinely happy for him! I knew it was a matter of time and they seem like a great fit. The call was pleasant and I kept feeling so grateful that our friendship has stayed intact to this level.
It wasn’t till I went back to the table and told my sister I could use a hug that emotions started to arise. I wasn’t sure where they were coming from. I got teary eyed. I know I gave a part of my heart to Sam, and I believe that part was mourning. I didn’t have time to address the emotions because we were on the way back out. I expected that I stuffed the emotions and would have to revisit them later. When I took the time revisit them, I was surprised that I wasn’t emotional. And if I think about it, 4 hours of sleep and a hectic morning might have been the only reason tears of any kind were shed! I mean even now I am so very happy for him.
Heidi’s job - After we got back from shopping we had no time to relax and catch up on much needed sleep. Heidi was set to do everyone’s hair at Darlene’s place. The house was full and busy but it was good. I got my second wind and had a fairly decent night.
11.24.07 - Portraits - I was able to sleep till a normal time this day. I took my time getting ready since we had to be dressy for the family portrait. Clint, Brian and I just had to be down at the coop by noon for pictures and the surprise party was immediately afterwards. I helped my aunt finish up some of the last minute stuff for the party when I got there. A couple family members were late so the pictures didn’t start on time. The photographer noticed my camera and apparently I had a better model then he had! Hehe He seemed impressed and even asked to take pictures with my camera as well as his. He said my camera was the Cadillac of cameras and his was a cheaper model. I can’t remember which car he referred to his as, something like a dodge neon. So we got a family portrait. 36 of us total! Crazy!
Grandpa’s Surprise 90th birthday party – The party was a John Deere theme of course. It was setup where we took our pictures so all my grandpa thought was that he was going to the coop for pictures but once he got there he saw the setup. Because of the late start with the pictures people were arriving before we were done. The party was a success and I could tell my grandpa felt special.
After the party and the cleanup we went back to my grandparent’s farm to watch him open his presents. The sun hadn’t completely set so I rushed around to get some shots of the farm. My grandparents have been talking about moving into an assisted living place for the last couple of years and we’re not sure how much longer they are going to be at the farm.
Once we got through the gifts we realized grandpa needed some rest and it was our last night there so we decided to go to the movies. The kids all wanted to see “Enchanted” and I can’t lie, I actually thought it would be interesting to see. Joey, Nate and Bailey chose to go see Fred Claus but the rest of us went to Enchanted. It was cute. Again I got to bed at midnight and had to be packed and on the road by 4:30 am!
11.25.07 - Brian and I were on the road by 4:30! I was impressed. We had to drive over to Kerri’s place to pick up Heidi and the kids. We were 1 mile from our exit when a deer jumped out from the left and we hit it! I remember it feeling like both sets of tires ran over it. It happened so fast! I could hear something dragging and I was afraid to find out it was part of the deer. So we pulled over and Brian went to check it out and I stayed just in case it was a bloody mess… Brian’s mouth dropped open when he looked at the damage and told me to come out. I tried to open the door but it was jammed shut!
We weren’t sure what to do so we drove the couple miles to my cousin’s place to come up with a game plan. I crawled through the driver’s side and saw that the wheel well was what was dragging as we drove. The whole front right side was totaled! And no sign of blood but a tiny little bit of hair. We got inside and Brian decided to try to get in touch with his insurance company and also the highway patrol so they could write up a report for insurance purposes. We weren’t sure if we were going to be able to drive it home or what! My cousin Joey and her family stopped by on their way back to Colorado and said they couldn’t see a deer anywhere on the side of the road. Nate is a mechanic so he checked out the truck and said it looked drivable. We slept on and off waiting for call backs from the police and insurance people. The police ended up not coming because we left the scene. Brian’s insurance wasn’t available since it was Sunday. So my dad, grandpa, and Uncle Tom stopped by to help clean up and make it drivable. Before we knew it, it was noon!
At about 2:30 we decided to go visit our grandparents. Brian and I were talking and decided that it might be best to leave that night. Our only concern was that with only one headlight we would be more likely to get pulled over. Brian not having a valid driver’s license meant I would have to pull off the night driving. I’ve been on long road trips but not usually behind the wheel. I felt confident so I agreed to do it. We got on the road at about 7:30pm. I was a little panicked for the first 3 hours of the drive because we were in prime deer area and I kept reliving the deer that morning jumping out with no time to react. I only had one headlight but the sky was clear and there was a full moon. I could actually see the deer grazing which helped in some ways, in others it just made me more paranoid of them jumping out at me! Hehe Apparently hitting the deer impacted me because I started to see things after a while. But in the prime deer spots I would just pray in my tongue the whole time. I had a bit of tense driving through Yellowstone. The temp got as low as 5 degrees and the roads were icy in spots.
I got pulled over twice. After I explained the situation they were cool. One guy in Idaho said I was also speeding, going 73 in a 65 zone. Luckily he was cool and didn’t give me a ticket. I drove straight through till 2:30am and then asked Heidi if she could take over for a little bit so I could rest my eyes. She was only able to pull 2 hours before she had to have me take over again. So I got back on the road at 4:30 till about 6:30 when the sun was coming up and Brian took over and I slept. Heidi took over from Vegas on and we got home about 1pm!
There you have it… Our adventures to, from and in Montana!
It’s late. I have more to write but I really need to get to sleep, and besides this is already a long post. Night!
*11.30.07 - Well this was meant to be more of a post but I figured I'd still post it... I'm hoping to get a full post by the end of the weekend but we'll have to wait and see.*
Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!
I'm layin on my cousin Clint's bed using his laptop. It's been an awesome day! I love my family and all the craziness and chaos there is when we get together. Good times! And of course I've already taken a bunch of pics. The drive up wasn't so smooth but we made it here safely. The started the drive from California to Colorado later then we had hoped and the weather took a turn for the worse on the last leg of the trip! It was horrible! We couldn't see more then a few feet in front of us because it was snowing so hard and the roads were so slick that we couldn't go more then 15-20 mph. Not fun. Brian of course was driving and was exhausted but wouldn't even let Heidi or I think of taking over in those conditions... It was tense for a couple of hours. We finally got to my cousin Joey's place at a little before 2am! posted by Charity at 11/22/2007 06:52:00 PM
Thursday, November 15, 2007
For the last day or two I've been in a really happy mood. Yes, I have concerns about the financial strain this trip to Montana is going to be, but all-in-all I'm looking at it as an adventure and a way to see God move on behalf of my finances! At church Sunday my dad talked about how we need to rejoice in difficult circumstances because it means we can see God work on our behalf. That statement struck me and I have thought about it a lot this week. I know it's important that I make this trip to Montana, it's one of those things that you just know you *have* to do, you don't necessarily have a choice. I have to take two days off without pay. I have no more vacation time (Fiji took the bulk of it). And I did get a raise a short time ago but I haven't leveled out yet and it’s been a difficult couple of months financially.
We're estimating my portion of the cost in gas for this trip to be 250.00, by far cheaper then a plane ticket but still a hard amount to swallow. I've looked at my bills, it's doable with pushing off a bill or two but I wouldn't have money when I'm out there or for the time on the road. I decided to practice what my dad preached Sunday. I put it out there and just said, "Lord, you know my financial situation, I'm looking forward to seeing you work on my behalf! I'm going to trust you to help me with the finances for the $250.00."
That night my brother Brian called and asked if I could do a job for one of his clients, updating basic information on their website. When I asked him how much he said, about $250.00... !!!! Holy cow! It works! :D I shouldn't be surprised but I always am! Now if I can just keep this mentality for all areas of my life. Why is it so difficult to know God is there for me ALL the time if I just trust in Him?
My Week - I thought this week was going to be mellow but it turned out to be rather busy! I've been trying to help Jerry as much as I can with a new project he's working on. We've talked a lot and he dropped off a cd then he had to pick it right back up again later. Its stuff he wants added to his website that I've been helping him setup. I'm excited for him! It's cool to see it all come together. I know I said I'd be promoting it here but it's not ready just yet. Also Jason has asked me to work on some graphics for him and I've not been able to work on those. I promised him today that I will sit down with them Saturday. Joshua at work has been encouraging me to put myself back into the graphic industry. He seems to think I have some talent which is always nice to hear. And it seems that someone upstairs is opening the doors to do more with graphics.
I was asked out to dinner Tuesday night. I had a good time. I've known him for a while but we've never gotten together till that night. Looks like we'll get together again too... Wednesday was mid week service. Thursday (today) I am driving down to Irvine after work for my laser appointment and will make a detour to the beach. Friday night I have a birthday party to go to. I'm really looking forward to it. It’s with a bunch of women that I absolutely adore and I've been told we're having a karaoke machine with all Depeche Mode songs! Should be a blast! I plan on taking my camera so you'll be getting to see the fun.
So my extended weekend came and went. I’m sitting at my cluttered desk. I am doing some laundry, did some dishes, and have taken the earlier part of the day easy. Brian and I went to see American Gangster down at Victoria Gardens earlier this afternoon. It’s a decent movie, pretty stinkin long though! My friend Jerry didn’t think Denzel played a convincing gangster, I thought he did alright. I should be cleaning my desk and working on some graphics for Jason. Maybe I’ll get to it later tonight. It feels much later then it actually is.
Drive to Montana - Right now my brother Shawn is chatting with me about our trip to Montana. Turns out he and his family are driving up from Texas to Colorado Saturday, spending the night at my cousin Joey’s and then making the rest of the trip up to Montana. I can’t afford to take any more time off work then I already am. This means I can’t leave till Monday night after work! So I think I’ve mentioned that I’m going to be driving up to Montana with Brian, Heidi and her two kids. We did this back in November 2005 and it was not easy. But it’s my grandpa’s 90th birthday and the flights were just too expensive. It was originally going to be just Brian and me but Heidi was able to make it and to our surprise the kids are coming too! I’m excited she and the kids can come but it does make the plans a little more complicated. Either way, Shawn originally wanted us to drive through Colorado and meet up with him and we’d all caravan. But now that he’s going up earlier we’re trying to calculate what the best route is. If we don’t go to Colorado Brian is saying we have to make the full trip without stops. I’m trying to convince him to still meet up with Joey in Colorado and finish up the rest of the trip together. Joey wants me to keep her company on the drive from Colorado to Montana (her husband Nate will have to fly out Friday after thanksgiving). My niece and I could go with Joey and that would leave more room in my brother’s truck. It’s a thought. And I’m pretty sure I have Brian convinced that the extra tank of gas is worth it to be able to stop and sleep.
I’ve also found out that they are planning a family portrait… A HUGE family portrait since we’re ALL going to be there! This is the first time my entire family, including my brother and his family are going to be in Montana at the same time! Actually the first time we’ll all have been together since the family picture we took on Easter 2005 in California! I’m excited. Also my cousin Joey asked me to join her in volunteering at a soup kitchen in Billings, MT. Thanksgiving morning. Yup, the drive is going to suck no matter what and I just need to accept that. But the trip itself should be good. I can’t believe it’s only a week away!
PMS sucks! (Pardon the topic male readers) - I realized the emotional rollercoaster I went through Tuesday was the precursor to the dreaded "monthly bill". The rest of my week went fairly well. No major complaints. What I dislike is the emotional instability during a period. Most of the time I don’t feel as hormonally challenged as I have this month. I feel bad for women that experience the emotional stuff this bad every month!
Last week – I had a busy week last week. This week should be mellow. We all know my Tuesday sucked. Wednesday was the complete opposite. After work I went to mid-week service.
Thursday I went to dinner with Jerry. We talk on the phone a lot but our schedules rarely allow for us to hang out for very long. Last Sunday I was supposed to go down there and hang out, go to the movies or something, but I misunderstood the plans and we had to reschedule for a weeknight which never leaves for much time to hang out since we both commute. But oh well. We always figure something out.
Friday I went over to David and Erin’s to have pizza and watch Ratatouille. It worked out great because I was able to catch up with them and skip the holiday weekend traffic!
Saturday I slept in, watched tv all day! My Pampered Chef stuff came so I went through and put everyone’s orders together and washed all my stuff so I could use it! Mike came home with Jerret from unloading his storage unit and putting his stuff in our garage. He and Heidi were celebrating their 1 year anniversary and he was running late so I told him I’d take Jerret home so he could go take a shower and take Heidi out. Apparently this won me some brownie points with Mike. Hehe Jerret ended up keeping me company while I baked cookies for a church meeting the next day. We had a good talk. I’ve pretty much adopted him as my little brother.
Sunday was a full day of church. I went to church in the morning and we had a meeting at my parent’s place at 3 and I didn’t leave there till 7.
My Dad’s book - I have my dad’s book! It looks great! I haven’t finished reading it. This is the first edition. He signed it for me, wrote a little dedication too. There are only about 100 printed so far. He has some minor technical errors he wanted to fix and then the publishers will send it in for a reprint which at that point it will then be available at Barnes & Noble and Amazon in time for Christmas orders! I’m excited for him and so very proud of him!
New Hair – I got my hair redone last week. I loved my hair the day my sister did it. She styled it and everyone that has seen the picture of it just loves it! I also have a picture of how it’s usually styled. It’s definitely darker but it’s more my natural color. So far I’ve had only positive reactions to it, accept for my mom. She says she’s so used to my blond hair it’s taking her a while to get used to it. It’s not that she doesn’t like it. I really like it!
Link to Poet Sky's Reformation. Basically pictures of them practicing at my place on Sunday afternoons. :)
For those of you that have seen a lot of the pictures posted to my blog, well those were the few from many and now ALL the pictures of those events have been posted to my online Album. I haven't updated my album since Easter of this year. So there are a lot of new pictures. Go check them out… My 2007 Album
Night - So yesterday was a miserable day. Yesterday I felt like the world and everyone in it was against me. Oh believe me I was that melodramatic! I was extremely insecure. I was angry and frustrated. Almost everything pushed me over the edge. I knew something was wrong first thing in the morning and even prayed that God would protect me from flying off the handle at innocent bystanders. I just had my hair done by my sister and I was still learning how to style it, as well as getting used to the fact that it’s so dark, and it just wasn’t working for me that morning. I was feeling unattractive all around. I got to work and was really sick, literally! To the point that I was weak and had to sit because I was dizzy, lightheaded and sweating! Yeah not sure what was going on. I was cautious all morning and my stomach started to settle down after I ate a bagel. My day at work actually went smoothly. No major issues. It was on my ride home. I was talking to a friend. I’m sure she didn’t mean to, but something she said cut deep, it fed all the insecurities I’d been fighting all day and I lost it, not on the phone with her, but after. The flood of emotions I had been fighting came boiling over. Frustrations with her, a couple guys (one that I’ve known for years, another that I’ve just recently gotten to know) and my own annoying tendencies came crashing in on me. No matter where I tried to run my mind was whirling through all the events, and with my outlook I was only seeing the worst in each situation.
It was when I was talking to another friend that I finally broke down emotionally and started sharing how insecure and pathetic I felt and realized I needed some quiet time with God. The moment I sat down to write in my prayer journal the tears flowed. They kept flowing on and off for the next half an hour. I felt like I was wrapped up in His arms and He was allowing me to express the fears and frustrations while He listened and comforted me. I couldn’t wait to go to bed and start a new day.
Day - Today has been quite the opposite! I woke up and my hair turned out great. I love it! I wore an outfit I wasn’t too sure I’d feel good in but ended up feeling sexy. I was no longer sick to my stomach. I went into training for the account department and came back to find a package on my desk from a merchant I work with on almost a daily basis. As soon as I felt the package I knew she had sent me chocolates! And sure enough she sent me See’s chocolates and a “Thank You” card to show her appreciation of how friendly and helpful I’ve been to her whenever she calls in. She has my direct line memorized. Hehe I felt very special! On my lunch break I took a walk around the complex and it was just a beautiful day so I stopped to eat my lean pocket on the grass under the trees. When I walked back I saw a truck slow up and roll down his window, I get asked for directions a lot when on my walks, but he just nodded and smiled. I smiled back and kept walking. He ended up coming back around and said something and I couldn’t understand and he said “If I followed you home, would you keep me?” haha I was in so much shock that he was hitting on me that I just laughed and said sorry probably not! He was a good looking guy too! He made small talk and then the moment was gone. But it left a huge smile on my face, a spring in my step and a disbelief that it had actually happened. I went up to the conference room and read my book for a few minutes, and then took my audio file and took a 15 min nap. I woke up completely refreshed and the rest of my day has been incredibly smooth!
The one mark against today is that Mike’s father passed away. Yesterday he told me how bad his dad was doing and I felt I should ask if I could pray for him but I didn’t know how he would take it and I didn’t know what to pray since I know none of his family are believers so I held back. I wanted to bring up prayer throughout the day but I never felt comfortable enough. I came into work today determined to ask if I could pray for him and I didn’t see his car and knew immediately that something was wrong. He’s taking the next few days off and I really wish I knew what I could do to help. He and his family were already in my prayers this morning and I will continue to pray for them. I want to call and give my condolences but I know right now he probably has so much going on. I’m just not sure what to do.
Well I have more to write about but not much time to do it. I'm gonna finish this post where it is and either write another one later tonight if I can find the time or just do it tomorrow.
The other day I was listening to my iPod as I took my lunch walk and it happened to play a U2 song and I realized I wanted to bring out my U2 collection again. Hehe So right now I’m listening to a shuffled playlist of the entire U2 collection that came on my special addition iPod.
I’m wide awake! I took a 2 hour nap after hanging out with Rach. Now I’m regretting it as I couldn’t go to sleep even if I wanted to! I got to bed at about 2 this morning and got up at 8 to meet up with my sister to pick out a color closer to my natural color for my hair, who knows when I’ll be able to meet up with her to get my hair done though. She got a job at Starbucks! Anyways, after that I met up with Rach and we went out to lunch and spent the day hanging out. I got home at around 4 and slept till 6 and then watched a couple movies with my brother. It’s been a fairly lazy day.
Jeff Dunham - Last night was a blast! Jeff Dunham was awesome! I will definitely go see him again whenever he’s in town! As usual I laughed so hard I cried! He totally rocks! And he even recorded some clips for his Walter for President Campaign. He finished the show and got changed into a secret service outfit and well he looked pretty darn Ho-T! hehe He said he was going to have the clips on youtube so when they show up I’ll make sure to post them since I was apart of it! ;) It was a great show. He did a lot of the stuff off the DVD’s but there was some pretty funny new material. He had Walter, Achmed, Peanut and Jalapeño on a Stick of course. He even did an encore and brought out Bubba J from his previous dvd release. It was funny because everyone knew the lines and would say them right along with him. I don’t think he realized what a big hit Bubba J was, he couldn’t stop laughing that we were following along, even said we were gonna make him cry. hehe I was sooo glad I went.
I didn’t take my camera because it said we weren’t allowed but people were taking pictures so I was pretty disappointed yet again that I didn’t just take it with me and deal with the consequences later. Luckily we had been talking with a young couple sitting next to us (it was their 1st wedding anniversary today! Congrats guys!) and they brought their camera and said they’d share their pics with me! We exchanged our myspace addresses and I now have some new friends!
The above was written on Saturday night. I got sucked into a chat with Russ so I never got it posted. Russ and I stayed up WAY too late chatting; I think it was 4am before I went to sleep! Bad Russ! ;)
Alliance Halloween Potluck - I'm feeling pretty nostalgic at the moment. As I'm typing I keep seeing my black nails out of the corner of my eye. That and the cluster of black and purple rubber bracelets on my wrist bring me back to my wannabe-goth days. I was going to be goth for the work Halloween potluck but went with a witch outfit instead. Once the potluck was done I changed into jeans and a tshirt. I feel like I stepped back in time to 10 years ago! hehe Kind of trippy.
So the potluck was actually a lot of fun! We’ve had others but this one just seemed to have a good vibe to it. Maybe the concept of actually having to dress up made it a bit more interesting for everyone involved. The food was yummy! And we had some great costumes.
I of course took pics and am going to do my very best to get into the habit of updating my album rather then posting a few pictures on my blog. I am almost done updating my album, which currently only has pictures up to April of this year! I’ve had to upload bits and pieces in the evenings as not to interfere with my roommates World of Warcraft experience. Hehe Either way, back to the reason I’m trying to avoid posting pictures to my blog rather then in my album. 1. It then becomes a two step process. 2. Because I’ve posted the most important pictures to my blog I don’t feel as interested in making an effort to upload to my album. This way I’ll blog and then link to the pictures on my album. We’ll see how this works out.
What a week! Especially with the fires, the wind and the pass being closed down Monday... I'm at work. Last week it was dead and a couple of days I've felt pulled in a few different directions at once. And today is unusually busy for a Friday. We must be doing well because I've been doing training more often then not and training is required for all new merchants. I really do enjoy training our merchants.
Monday 10/22/07 - The fires have been causing a lot of problems in Southern California. Well Monday was the day that impacted me the most. The 15 was closed down. And with all the other fires in the area there was no back route. My friend Sasha was a godsend. She contacted me when she found out the pass was closed and offered to have me stay in her spare room for the evening. I was NOT happy about having to stay down the hill but really the reason wasn't that I wouldn’t be sleeping in my own bed, it was that I had absolutely NO overnight bag. I had to go buy everything I needed! Financially I’ve been strapped, even with the raise it’s going to take some time to get back on track with my budget. But since I do commute I've been meaning to get an overnight bag just for this reason so now I have an overnight bag in my trunk. hehe I was so grateful to Sasha for opening up her place for me. It meant a lot to me and I felt truly blessed to have such a good friend in her. Even if I was ticked about having to spend money I didn’t have on all the necessities.
Tuesday 10/23/07 Pampered Chef Party - Tuesday night I hosted a Pampered Chef party and it went well! I was expecting about 15-20 people and 16 showed. My friend ended up buying a bunch of things since a lot of the stuff he had in storage rusted so I had an AWESOME show because of him! I will get about $250.00 in free product! I'm looking forward to shopping. I'm closing my party next week so I haven't made my final selections. :) I'm not much of a cook but I think I'd like to start. It's always more fun if you have fun tools!
Friday 10/26/07 Jeff Dunham - So tonight I'm driving down to Long Beach with Andie to go see Jefahfah Dun-Ham dot com! :D If you don't get that well you would have had to have seen the last Comedy Central Special. Either way I'm really looking forward to it!
*It’s now Saturday, work got hectic and I never had a chance to post it so here it is now. I’ll update this post with pics from the Pampered Chef Party soon. Oh and I didn’t get any pics of Jeff Dunham but I met a cool young couple that are going to send me pics! I might post a couple of those too.*
I haven't been this thankful it's Friday in a LONG time! I have a quiet weekend ahead of me and I'm sooo looking forward to it. This week has been more mellow then most, in fact it's been almost boring! Work has been dead all week.
So dead that I didn't even finish the post at work but watched Transformers instead! ;) hehe Yup that's right, we setup a pc so we could all watch it (we being the girls in support), obviously taking calls as they came in.
It's Saturday and I'm delaying the inevitable... I MUST clean my bathroom and bedroom! I spent the morning hanging out with my friend Andie. She's been talking about this guy she's crushing on at work and I wanted to meet the guy so we made up a reason for us to stop by her work. hehe And no, we're not still in high school! And yes, we realize this. :) When it comes to best friends' crushes you revert back to high school methods! haha
One thing I've realized in talking to Andie about our fun experiences flirting is that Andie seems to get men to express their attraction! I, on the other hand, seem to flirt with men who don't express their attraction to me at least not overtly. There are signs but nothing is said. So what's up with that? Seriously guys, do I put off a vibe that says please don't let me know that you find me attractive?! Or is it that men are just as insecure in expressing their attraction? I know I'm attractive, though sometimes I wonder if men can actually look past my weight. I grew up feeling that men couldn't. I finally accepted myself for who I am but there are times I still struggle thinking men aren't all that shallow. (Though, I also wonder if I have been given compliments and haven’t really acknowledged them. Hmm… possible) I think a long time ago, when I was in 6th grade, the boy I was seriously crushing on (and had been crushing on since 2nd grade!) read my journal and found out I liked him. I was so embarrassed but went straight up to him and said “ok so I think you’re cute… I’m ok with you knowing this.” And suddenly I wasn’t feeling like I was going to die, and the stark fear went away. Nothing happened either. Since then I’m ok being pretty blunt with the guys I like about my attraction to them without expecting my declaration should require action on their part. I have found it eases the awkwardness of it all (at least for me, and with the men I have shared with, they continued to be in my life). I mean telling someone “hey, I think you’re cute, sexy, attractive (insert chosen compliment here)” is quite harmless. It makes the other person feel good, and it doesn’t mean you’re stuck doing something about it. At least that’s how I look at it. I read my friend Joe’s blog and he replies to this one particular reader’s comments with regular compliments. And I think of how cool it is that he expresses it for the world to read and how awesome it must be for her to read them! I have no idea if anything has ever happened between them and it doesn’t matter. I say keep it up! hehe There are a lot of thoughts going on in my head about this topic and I’m not sure if I’m expressing myself adequately. I’m not sure that I care. It’s just something I wanted to ask the people out there that read my blog. And if, in all this rambling, you’ve lost the question let me rephrase it. What do you think causes men (or women) to express their attraction with the opposite sex or not?
Well I really need to stop avoiding the inevitable and go clean.
This weekend was rather busy. I went to an Ancient Paths Seminar and I'm not sure I'm quite ready to share all that went along with that. A few tears and a bit emotionally draining, but all-in-all a good thing. I came to realize a lot about myself which is always a positive thing! The seminar was Thursday and Friday evening and all day Saturday.
Sunday I expected to relax a bit, I took a nap after church and that was about the extent of my relaxation! Brian had Foe and Strav over to practice some new songs for Poet Sky. I enjoy hearing them play so that wasn't a big deal. I was in my room working on my photo album for my website when my friend Jerry called and we started talking about some of the things for his project. My sister stopped by with the kids and they wanted to play Dance Dance Revolution in my room while the boys were in the living room jammin. You can imagine the commotion! Finally everyone had left by about 7:00.
I thought that was going to be my opportunity to relax but then my friend Sandeep called and in a whirlwind of events I ended up on the freeway down to the 138 to pick him and his girlfriend up and take them down to the Ontario airport because his car broke down. He had 24 hour road side assistence through BMW but it didn't include him! Needless to say he was pretty upset and in quite the bind. He had to get his girlfriend home to Riverside and get back up to Fresno by 2am to get his dad to the airport and the only 24 hour rental was at the Ontario airport! I was glad I could help. Traffic sucked just cause it was sunday evening and everyone was driving back down from their weekend trip to Vegas. I enjoyed catching up with him though. It's been a while since we've seen eachother. He surprised me a while ago and stopped by Alliance to say hi which was cool. His girlfriend was an absolute sweety and in the end we considered each other friends as well! I waited for him to get his car rental situated before heading back home. Mike at work had told me today that the 5 freeway was all jacked up last night so I called and found out that yes, he did get delayed with traffic but everything worked out in the end.
So today I tried to get back into a routine. So far so good. Work was great! I was in a fun mood and things went smoothly. I was busy for the first half of the day which is always nice to make the day go by. After work I went tanning, took some time to meditate on God, then decided to get back onto my Dance Dance Revolution pad and have a fun little workout before bed. :) Here it is almost 10:30 and I'm finishing up a chat with my friend Armondo and I'll be in bed at a reasonable hour. I feel good.
Bright Eyes 9/29/07 - So I'm listening to a random selection of their songs as I'm composing this and catching up on laundry for the week. My brother Brian and I had a great time at the show at the Hollywood Bowl. Having the LA Philharmonic Orchestra performing with them was a pretty cool experience. We had awesome seats and it's a great venue, that was my first time there. Scarlett Johansson was sitting a few seats away from us. When I saw her I immediately looked around for my brother who had gone off to get a drink. She was just as pretty in person. Surprisingly when Brian found out she was so close he was like, sure enough, that’s her. But after the show he admitted that if she wasn’t “Scarlett Johansson” then he wasn’t sure if he’d give her a second look because there were so many other hot chicks there. Haha Gotta love my brother. Anyways, I really enjoyed hearing them live. I know the lead singer is an acquired taste but you can't deny his ability to express through words. I'm gonna have to say they are one of my favorite bands at the moment.
So here are a couple pics and I'm attempting to upload more then just this one video... blogger couldn't upload the other 2 files because it was too big so I'm testing out Google Video, if it works I'll post them.
Big Bear 10/8/07 - Monday I had the day off so I took a drive up to Big Bear and back... I needed to get away by myself and it's a beautiful drive so I packed a picnic lunch and my cameras and took off. It was absolutely gorgeous up there! Here are some of the pictures I took throughout the day...
Random Thoughts - I was chatting with my friend Tracy. He was lamenting about being out on the dating scene again. I told him I have had a lot of guys interested in making a go of something in the last year but they never keep my interest very long. And the guys I find myself attracted to are either older or set in their ways = not interested enough to make any effort, or even worse they are married. Then it hit me, maybe I don’t want a relationship if I'm only finding myself drawn to unavailable men. They are the safe ones because I know it will never go anywhere and I'm not likely to get hurt. Hmmm.... Interesting...
But speaking of being drawn to someone I discovered something rather amusing. I have recently gotten to know this guy that intrigues me more then I would have ever expected him to. I say 'recently gotten to know' because I met this guy last year but didn't really get a chance to talk to him much. As things go, circumstances can bring you closer to an individual, even if it’s only to get to know a couple more details about them. So that being said, anyone that knows my taste in guys knows I like ‘em to have a bit of "geek" to them. Not sure what it is, but a guy who knows his way around a computer, well that just gets me all excited. ;) (Please note the slight sarcasm in the excitement) Either way, this individual has some geek to him. Now also be aware there is a BIG difference between geek and nerd. hehe (refer to "White and Nerdy" video by Weird Al) But he also has tattoos; Interesting combination. Not sure why this intrigues me so much. I drove home Friday I realized that I was drawn to this guy. I laughed when I realized it started when I saw he had tattoos! WTF?! haha Then it hit me! He represents both sides of the spectrum of my two long term serious relationships. Jesse, the "bad boy", full sleeves, kids, ex-wife and played drums in a hardcore band. Then Sam, the "geek", computer guru, total sweetheart and my first true love. I'm guessing that's why I'm drawn to this guy. Not necessarily in the desire to have a relationship with him, but just would love to get to know him better. But knowing he fits both of my "types" I think I'll let it be. :)
Grandparents 10/10/07 - So Wednesday night I drove down to Westlake Village with my family to have dinner with my grandparents who are visiting from Minnesota and staying with my cousin. (Sadly I never really get to see my cousin, we've never been that close.) Either way they flew my grandparents out so they could see her new baby. Well last night was the only night we could all meet up with them because the rest of their visit is planned out. My mom, brother, sister and her kids met my dad and I in Ontario and my brother and I took my car out there and the rest of the family drove in my sisters car. I haven't seen my grandparents for at least 8 years! We met at Claim Jumpers for dinner. Here are some pics from the night. I actually let my nephew, Bailey play with my camera and he got some great pics!
I'm so zoned I'm not sure if I can focus enough to compose this post. But I'm trying to fight falling asleep. I'm at work and it's dead! It seems that early in the week I feel more productive and busy. I think that's because I'm going back and forth between accounting and support.
I went through and gave away a lot of the clothes that I don't fit into anymore and realized I still had a lot of nice clothes that I never touch. So since then I've been dressing up for work. Even wearing heels! For those of you that know me this is a big deal. hehe
Last night I went to dinner with my friend Jerry. He and I always have a good time. He has a lot of aspirations and dreams, it was very inspiring listening to how his brain works through it all. I wish I was as all encompassing with my thoughts as he is with his. He has some great ideas and right now he's picked one of his ideas and he's going to make a go of it. He feels with his age it's now or never. He's only 45 but I understand where he's coming from. I can't imagine it *not* succeeding! I'll probably be promoting it here. I've worked with him on some aspects, such as web site and bouncing ideas around for the last couple months, but it's still in the early stages. He has to finish up some other business so he's only doing his new project on the weekends. Either way, its amazing how multi-facetted his dreams are. I sent him a text on the way home thanking him for inspiring me to dream!
Well I'll go into more of what we talked about and how thats impacted my own personal dreams later. It's quittin time and I've got to make a run to Bath & Body Works... They are having a big sale this weekend that I can't pass up! :) I know... so girlie huh!? ;)
So I'm sitting at a dining room table of someone's house that I've never been to before using their laptop. My brother Brian and bandmate Forrest are recording their parts to a new song for Poet Sky. Brian and I are pretty much spending the day together. I believe we're in Santa Clarita at this guy Kevin's home studio. It's a beautiful house. I feel a bit awkward just because I don't know him. I met him way back when I was in high school but of course he doesn't remember that. hehe This should take a couple of hours and then Brian and I are heading down to Pasadena to do some shopping for Brian. Later tonight we're going to Hollywood Bowl to watch Bright Eyes for our birthdays. So its a pretty full day but it should be fun.
I also got tickets to go see Jeff Dunham in Long Beach October 26th. :) I'm crushin on him. :) He's Ho-T! (for Andie hehe) And married but still... For an older guy he's pretty cute. Here are a couple clips. :)
Wow... Life has been chaotic! I had a post started about my birthday excursion but it's outdated now. I really wanted to share early on about the entire day and how I felt but it seems that it would become one of the longest posts I've written so far! There are just too many things to update. But I will do my best to sum up. I am currently at work composing the bulk of this blog but I also think I will have to do most of the finalization at home. Who knows when this post will actually get published!
My Birthday Excursion 9/8/07 - Rachel and Andie picked me up in Rancho where I was housesitting with Starbucks in hand! I got to Andie's car and saw that they had decorated the windows with 'Happy Birthday Chair' and a big old '30th Birthday' sign on the passanger seat so everyone could know as we drove around! hehe It was cute. I get in the car and find out that I would get clues (more like riddles to figure out) where we were going next.
The first stop I figured to be a garden. Descanso Gardens to be exact. It was beautiful there! And it helped that the sky was particularly clear all day! I took tons of pictures. I felt completely special that the day had been planned around my love of photography!
Next clue led us to the Griffith Observatory! We had a bit of a hike up there but we laughed, had a good time and got our excersize in at the same time! I loved the Griffith Observatory and will make sure to go back when I can spend a day there! We were running short on time apparently and the girls stopped at one point to figure out which of the remaining stops we needed to skip.
The next clue took me a while to figure out, but it was the Mann's Chinese Theater and we realized it was a place I've been to plenty of times and we chose to skip it. The next clue should have gotten us to a cemetary called Hollywood Forever but ended up being an accidental skip since we drove right past it! It looks pretty cool so I'm gonna have to go back and check it out sometime. We ended up at the Huntington Beach Pier! Andie had NEVER been! I was quite surprised but we walked the pier. It was more crowded then I've seen it in a LONG time and I think my moodiness with crowds made for a short stop.
Apparently my sister was going to meet up with us at the last stop and we needed to head back. I was given my last clue of the day which was spelled out for me. :) We were going to Dave & Busters for dinner! The traffic back kind of sucked so we were late in meeting Heidi. I got to Dave & Busters and saw my sister who said she put our name in so after a quick stop to the restroom we'd go to our table.
Turns out in the end they did plan a surprise party for me! I had suspected it but as the day progressed I thought that wouldn't be happening. I walk through and my sister brings me to a table filled with a bunch of my friends! I had a great time hangin out! My friend Russ was even able to make it, he and I rarely get to hang out. I felt so special! Rachel and Andie really knew how to make my 30th a memorable one! I found out while we ate all that had conspired to make the day happen! Including Rachel stealing my cell a couple months prior to write down all the numbers she needed to invite people! I had NO CLUE!!!!
The entire day was all about me!! A full day of photography and an evening hanging out playing games with my friends! I can't think of a better way to spend my birthday! Rachel and Andie, you made me feel very loved! Thank you so much guys!
African Benefit Dinner 9/15/07 - The dinner was a success! But lets not get ahead of ourselves! Once we resigned ourselves to the fact that we would only have about 100 people there, the rest of the planning of the dinner went relatively smoothly. We already have people interested in when the next one is going to be. I heard only positive feedback, at least from the people that mattered. hehe They loved the decorations, which I was happy with as well. They enjoyed themselves and were entertained. My church had gone down to Faith Community Church in Buena Park which is a Kenyan church. I met Henry Karis who was an amazing guitarist! After the service I went up to him and asked him what he was doing the next saturday and booked him to play a couple of his own songs in Swahili. He did an amazing job and I hope he'll be able to come up for our next dinner. He and my brother hit it off and I knew they would. I specifically sat them at the same table. I only had one issue and that was with the photographer. Maybe it's because I was expecting something different and so was she. But our personalities clashed a bit. And to be honest I was a bit dissapointed. But other then that the night was awesome!
Later we found that we had a profit of over $2,500! My friend Jerry was impressed because he does the taste of Arcadia and the first year they had 600 people there and made 3000 profit. As the years have passed they have increased the profit but also the number of people in attendance. We only had 100 people there and made that amount. I'm nervous about planning the next so soon but we have the interest for it. People were impressed and we want to keep up the momentum. We can't wait another 3 years to have another dinner. But it's something I can chalk up to experience. When I get married I'll be prepared to plan the reception! hehe
Alliance - I've started training for some tasks in the Accounting Dept. It's a slow process because the lady training me only wants to train me on one portion of my future tasks a month. Also this month I had my 1 year anniversary with Alliance! A few things have changed in a years time... Mike is one the newest employees at Alliance. He's pretty cool. I've enjoyed getting to know him. He just got married earlier this year and they both have never been married before and are in their late 30's. They are an adorable couple too! Both are good looking people, it was nice to hear how they connected. Gave me a bit of hope of a late courtship being possible, one worth waiting for.
Reflection - Once the benefit dinner was over I thought I would have all sorts of time on my hands. This whole week has been filled! Something going on every evening! Saturday is the first day to relax in what feels like forever! I was already invited to dinner at Ludek's and I'd love to go but I'm feeling like I really need to get a full day of "me time".
I've done a lot of reflection in the last week. I spent a little time working through some thoughts and insecurities that arose in the last week or so. There are phases where God reveals things that need to be changed. One being that I tend to enjoy flirting and I find that in some respects I get my affirmation in the amount of flirting that is done. Whether with one individual or multiple. The flirting is not the issue, but the concept that I get my affirmation based on how much I flirt is. This is a slightly odd revelation but none-the-less true. There has been a lack of men to flirt with in my life, at least ones that I'm crushing on. Yes, there is a difference when there is an attraction involved. Part of the old me started to surface with wondering if I was attractive. Its amazing how an old part of me can still sneak in there. I'd love for a guy to let me know how attractive I am. It's been a while since I've heard that. But I need to accept my beauty for myself.
Another thing is my finances. I've let them get out of control. I paid off all my debt while working at linkLINE. When I was laid off I didn't change how I lived. I continued to live like I had no debt and could buy anything I wanted. I'm living beyond my means right now. Especially having bought a newer car this year. I finally sat down and went back to a strict budget. It's not fun but for now it's what I have to do. It's only for a time, it's not permanent, I won't be here forever, this too shall pass. Yes, sadly I have to keep reminding myself of that when I want to go out and buy something. I was in a similar situation when I worked at linkLINE and it didn't take me very long to get out of it. So I know I can do it now.
And finally time management. I've come to the conclusion that I am going to have to schedule "me time" every week. A night where I can do what I want! No phone calls, no guests, nothing but time for me. I can update my blog or online album, organize/clean my room, watch movies, read, whatever! Also I have started doing morning devotions. It's been nice but it hasn't given me that quality time to meditate, time for me to hear that "still small voice". I know I'm hearing God, even in some of these revelations/reflections this week. I know He's been a big part of the revealing aspect. But my heart is draw closer, to hear His voice more clearly. I also have a few projects that friends have asked me to do. I may use a night for those types of projects as well as my own, like achairsphotography.com which has been majorly neglected!
Sunday Update 9/23/07 - Well a lot was accomplished in the last couple of days! I found out Friday that I get a raise starting next pay period! Seems like perfect timing now that I decided to stick to a strict budget. I still plan on sticking to the budget but it just means my debt will get paid off faster. How cool is that!? Also Saturday came and went and it was wonderful! I used the day to clean the entire house. Yes, Mike, my roommate, seemed unsure of how that constituted as something I'd want to do with my first day off. But it was sooo rewarding to see how clean everything was when it was all said and done! My brother Brian has a jammin session going on with Forrest and Strav and I'm not embarrassed of how the house looks. In fact I'm proud of the way it looks. And cleaning is so theraputic! I put on Anne of Green Gables and cleaned away. Brian and Mike had some work they had to do so they were out of my way the whole time! I turned my ringer off and even left a message stating I would be away from my phone. I am looking forward to making a habit of that!
