I'm a little concerned about starting this post. Only because the time is so close to the time I wanted to be in bed. But as usual, my mind gets into writing mode in the later evenings as I contemplate my day, weekend or life. I've had a fantastic Labor Day weekend! Today has been especially lazy, I spent most of it reading! A rare treat! Even took my book outside and enjoyed the beautiful evening! I lost a few hours but it's something I thoroughly enjoy doing and don't get to often enough.
I'm a little annoyed with a chirping of a dying smoke detector battery and the ceilings are little too high for me to get on a chair and replace it easily. It might get unbearable here in a few.
So my birthday is this week. My license is about to expire so I have to get that taken care of. I hope my boss won't mind a late start on Wednesday as I'm figuring that's the best day to do it since my birthday is Thursday. And I plan on going to Barstow since it's so much easier to take care of out there then the Victorville DMV. My mom is making my favorite family dish, we've always called it Grout Brook but I don't know the spelling and when my friend James asked me for a link I couldn't find it anywhere! I know it's a German dish that has cabbage and beef baked inside a bread roll. It's yummy! But odd that I can't find it. I'm guessing either the name is wrong but no matter what combination I looked up in google it always brought me back to cabbage rolls which is not the same at all! Saturday a few of my friends are going to go to BootieLA with me. :) I'm looking forward to going again!
So I mentioned in my last post that I had another post pending. But right now I'm not really in the mood to go into it. So it'll have to wait, yet again.
I'm thrilled to be in my 30's! So far it's been an exhilarating experience and I keep looking forward to what’s going to happen next. I find that God is doing a work in me. It's been a while since I've shared personal feelings. Mostly it's just surface rants about my schedule and projects. Nothing about my innermost thoughts. I think there is a fear especially with my new readers, readers I'm not sure I can trust to hear my thoughts. Silly I know. I have this for the whole world to read, but when it comes to people I know I am not sure what I can feel free to share.
Either way, at church Sunday the message was very convicting to me. I think God's been working on me, and it was what I needed to hear at that moment. I'm not surprised, it happens quite often. But it's obvious that God's there, holding my hand and pulling me closer to Him. I've strayed so far away. I have so far to go to get back to where I even was, and even then so much further to go to get closer to God. But it's amazing the grace. The overwhelming forgiveness and acceptance and love of who I am right now! Something my dad said struck me as a new concept (for me anyways). We have our body, soul and spirit. Our spirit never sins. Our soul sins plenty. But when I feel unworthy to seek Gods presence sure, my soul is unworthy, but my spirit is sinless... I can go to Him and commune with Him. Another concept was grace and repentance. God's grace is abundant. He will accept us with open arms, even in the midst of our sin. We don't have to be out of our sin to go to Him. But true repentance is when we turn our back on the sin in our life. So, I have sin in my life. Not surprising I'm sure. Most of you know me. Most of you know I struggle to walk the good walk. I will say most of you don't know the true secrets deep within. The stuff I even try to hide from myself, and in turn think I'm hiding from God. Funny how we can think that we are actually hiding it from anyone, especially God. Sin is sin. There are levels of sin but does that matter? Can I truly make myself feel better by saying well at least I'm not doing that? That's then turning into judgment and honestly lately that's the biggest annoyance I have with Christians today. Placing judgment on others, why not pull that plank out first then you can see that speck more clearly, right? haha
I'm not upset, angry, disappointed or depressed about where I'm at. In fact I'm excited. I see the goal. I see a path. Something that seemed hidden from me, but I was so distracted with the lusts of the world that I couldn't see it. I recently ran into an old friend on myspace, in the process of looking at his profile and the people he had on his list... I envied his desire and drive for Christ. After all these years, he's still seeking God with all his heart. I don't meet too many men that are truly seeking God. It actually can be discouraging at times. It was a breath of fresh air and I realized I've fallen into that rut of walking a casual line in my walk with Christ. I've almost come to a stand still. I was looking at those men that make me feel I'm taking my Christian faith too seriously and thinking they might be right. I mean what’s so wrong with enjoying a little of the pleasures of life? (Sigh)... I was starting to take pride in the fact that I was a liberal Christian. Not as uptight about the rules. But the thing is, it's not about religiosity... It's about a genuine walk with Christ. That personal relationship. I get sidetracked.
Sunday before church I confessed a sin in my life. One that was impacting me on my way to church. I was ashamed, haunted by some of the thoughts creeping into my mind. I spoke it out loud, asked for forgiveness and the images disappeared, they weren't in the forefront of my mind anymore. Then I go into to church to find the sermon on grace and repentance and the difference. It was confirmed in my heart. I was forgiven. The question was, did I seek true repentance. Did I turn my back on my sin. Right now I'm not sure. I will say I feel different. I'm not going to say that the temptation won't pull me back in. But I no longer have to feel like I'm unworthy to seek God's help in the midst of my sin. I know most of this is a pretty standard "duh" but sometimes we need reminders.
Someone gave me a hard time about something I didn't think was that big of a deal. I got frustrated and defensive... Again pulling that liberal Christian card, and being angry that someone was being so uptight about my views and actions. I mentioned it to my brother and of all the people to convict me he said something that impacted me. He asked why I was so upset. He is the one that helped me realize that I was defensive more then justified. Whether I want to believe it or not, I was an example. He mentioned a few names of people that might have been impacted by my actions. And honestly I wasn't thinking about them. I was only thinking about the people that know me and don't look up to me. It was a hard pill to swallow but I did. My attitude changed. I can't keep acting like everyone else. God calls us to a different set of rules and guidelines. If I want to be part of that bride of Christ then I will go about my life differently then most people.
My dad recently went to Africa. He came back and as he told me the stories of his trip, my heart yearned to go back. Something about my trip to Africa changed me forever. They say you leave a part of your heart, and I believe I did. Hearing about Pastor Thomas and how amazing it is that my dad would have run into him in Kenya when he is from Lesotho and someone who made a big impact in my life on the trip I went to. I suddenly wished for a simpler life. Being in the United States we're spoiled. We worry about getting new bathroom fixtures and a better couch or even a cute outfit to go dancing in! When you have nothing it's easier to devote your life to Christ. To focus all your energy on His will for your life. Living moment by moment for Him. Having everything and wanting more is so much of a distraction. I long to go back to Africa. My heart wants to do good out there. Somehow, amazingly, God has established our little church out there. We've made an impact. And I'm excited to know that I was apart of it. And I want to continue to be apart. It looks like another trip is scheduled for 2010 and I'm signed up and praying that God opens the doors for me to go.
Some of this may not make sense. But I'm just pouring out my heart. There is a lot of little things I have only touched on. But like I said, I was afraid of starting this when I did since I need to get to sleep. I'm excited to see where God is taking me with all these little insights. There is so much more that I can be doing with my life then worrying about finances and an AAP exam (don't get me wrong I still plan on being frugal and studying my butt off but still).
Anyways, goodnight!
Labels: Inspiration, Rambling, Random
posted by Charity at 9/01/2008 10:46:00 PM 
